My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
