i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
