the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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