i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
