R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
