i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
