I think my vagina is haunted
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize