Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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