ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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