So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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