The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
