The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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