I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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