The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
