There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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