we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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