Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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