never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
