We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
