dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
