Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
