The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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