I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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