im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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