When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
