I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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