1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize