just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
