i was born a porn star she said
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
