you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
