You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
