omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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