I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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