you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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