You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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