My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
