so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
