Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
