Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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