Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
