her vagina looked like bernie madoff
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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