The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
