I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
