i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
