Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize