The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
