why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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