I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
