First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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