You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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