I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
