me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
