ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize