Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
