i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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