Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
