btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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