Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
