Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
