Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(214): View more from Texas

She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

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(301): View more from Maryland

WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.

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